Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] So I'm going to speak on marriage today. What a great topic, huh?
[00:00:05] How to overcome obstacles towards a dynamic marriage. Anybody interested in that? But for all of the people that are young, single, maybe never going to get married, I'm going to help you out. If you learn from what I'm going to say today, it's going to help you in every single relationship. I'm going to talk about how to build healthy relationships. I think a lot of people struggle with that.
[00:00:27] I think we're living in a day today where people don't know how to work out their differences. Somebody say that's true.
[00:00:33] And that's true all across the board.
[00:00:35] You know, it's true. Probably in our most meaningful relationships. In a day and age where relationships are struggling, the most challenging but rewarding relationship is marriage.
[00:00:46] It's the foundation of our society. It's a place where a new generation is being born and it's being developed. It's a place where values are being taught, both positive and negative. Unfortunately, it's one of God's greatest tools to shape our lives. It becomes the most profound example of what God means it to be in a relationship with himself. And Mark mentioned that.
[00:01:10] It's interesting that in both Old and New Testaments, we see that marriage is a key metaphor in helping us understand a covenant that we have with God.
[00:01:19] And God wants to use Christian marriages as a revelation to society to reveal what covenant really means. Because in our society today, we just think it's convenience or an arrangement.
[00:01:32] But let's take a look at what marriage is. The place, I think, where we learn to pour out our lives for one another. And when children come along to increase our capacity for giving. How many know that's true?
[00:01:43] You have to give.
[00:01:45] Yet it's also the relationship where we're the most exposed and most vulnerable. It's a place of the greatest joy, but also the place of the greatest pain. So how can we work at making this critical relationship and other close relationships not only work, but actually thrive?
[00:02:03] And so how can we build a healthy, loving relationship where challenging obstacles can seem to hinder that very goal? Well, I think the best place to turn for instruction is the operator's manual.
[00:02:16] How many know when you buy a new vehicle, they actually give you an operator's manual? Sometimes people look at them, you know, because we think we have all the answers, you know. But let me tell you something.
[00:02:27] All these new cars now, they all have different features in them. You actually need to look at the operators manual, figure out what in the world you got.
[00:02:34] And I think a lot of people try to enter into marriage, they have no idea what they're doing. I mean, they grew up in a home, they saw a marriage. But you know what? There were probably things they needed to avoid doing as well as things they needed to emulate. And so I think we need to go to the actual operator's manual and find out what does it take to make for a healthy relationship, a healthy marriage.
[00:02:55] God is actually the originator of marriage, and he gives us, I think, amazing insights in how to grow our marriage or other meaningful social relationships. I'm going to take a look at 1 Peter, chapter 3, in verses 1 to 7, and I think we find an amazing blueprint into how to make a marriage work. And he instructs both wives and then moves to make a very succinct instruction to the husband. And I think Peter gives us some very important and simple keys to create meaningful marriages, but also meaningful relationships. So let's take a look at these seven verses. Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husband so that any of them do not believe in the Word. They may be won over without words, but the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should come not from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and a quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her Lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right. And do not give way to fear husbands. In the same way, be considered as you live with your wives and treat them with respect, as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayer. So I'm going to just look at two keys, and the first one is just simply.
[00:04:32] And I'm going to say this for all of us, it's a submissive attitude. Now, it's not just wives that need to practice submission. If you look at Ephesians, chapter 5, in verse 21, it says, Submit one to another.
[00:04:44] So I'm going to talk about the ways in which wives submit, the ways in which husbands submit, and I'm going to talk about just the ways that we need to learn how to submit to one Another, even in any sort of relationship.
[00:04:55] Because we're living in a society today that people are asserting themselves and there's no, there's very little submission happening today. And we can't understand why relationships aren't working. But hopefully, as we look at this text today and we begin to unpack it and understand it, we're gonna walk away going, okay, I get it now. I can see where I need to make some adjustments in my life. So don't start nudging your spouse and say, are you listening to this? You know? Cause that's usually what happens, you know, like, I wish my wife was paying attention right now. No, I actually prayed this morning with a group of men and said, let's pray that God would awaken each of us so that we could hear specifically what we need to take from this message and not worry about what everybody else needs to do. Because I think we all have something to learn today.
[00:05:42] You know, submitting is the opposite of self assertion and the demanding of our rights.
[00:05:48] And I want you to see the voluntary nature of this. God is telling us this is something you need to do.
[00:05:54] Walls and Anders, in their commentary on Peter said, it involves being satisfied at times with less than what one may deserve or claim as a right.
[00:06:04] I'm going to just pause there for a minute and say, this is true of every relationship.
[00:06:08] So don't just, you know, think, well, this has got to do with marriage. No, this is more than that.
[00:06:13] A lot of times in life we feel are being ripped off. A lot of times in life we're feeling like we're getting the short end of the bargain or people are taking advantage of us. But I want us to say, how do we handle that? Our response to those situations are the most important things in our lives. And I think if these texts, if we take these texts in their context, what Peter has been talking about is submission for the sake of the gospel, that I learned to do something because I'm doing it for Jesus, that changes the whole motivation.
[00:06:46] Scott McKnight rightly says one specific point we can make is that the principle of living for the sake of the gospel is trans cultural. And what does that really mean?
[00:06:56] It means that culture should not be defining our lives. I think, unfortunately for too many people, we are allowing the culture to define who we become. We're allowing what other people think about society and how society thinks becomes what we begin to think and we begin to behave just like everybody else. And I believe God has a higher standard for his children. I believe God wants us to rise above mediocrity. I believe God wants to challenge us to live a life that people will look to as an exemplary type of life.
[00:07:31] Wives, it says here, are to cultivate an inner beauty that is attractive. Here in our text, it's described as a beauty that comes from the heart. Now let me just point out to all of us, this actually takes work in our lives to create an inner beauty. And I'll just say this, you know, your outer beauty, I mean, when you're young, you can look gorgeous, but eventually your body's going to start decaying. I hate to tell you about this, but that's the ultimate reality. And so we're living in a society today that just doesn't grasp what reality is. You know, yesterday I was at a funeral here. I wasn't officiating, I just attended. 90 year old gentleman who served Christ all of his life. He was a minister. And it was a very moving service. And I want to just say to you that every one of us needs to understand something. We can all enjoy a party, but the Bible says it's better to go to the house of mourning. And I came back from that service, I said to my wife, I said, you know, better the day of death than the day of birth. Better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a party. You go, wow, that sounds pretty morbid, Pastor. I go, no, think about it.
[00:08:37] Most of us never think about the end. Most of us never, you know, arrange our lives in such a way that we're ready to encounter God, that we've lived our lives in a certain order? Or are we just doing our own thing down here, hoping once in a while when we get in the jam, God's going to get us out? Or do we really want to begin to define our lives by how God is trying to get us to orchestrate it in such a manner that we bring glory and honor and we please him in our lives and, and in the end, we'll live a life worth living and it will become an exemplary type of life.
[00:09:10] It says here a gentle and quiet spirit.
[00:09:15] Let me go back here.
[00:09:17] The concept of gentleness and restraint of words is a virtue expressed toward all of God's servants in the New Testament.
[00:09:24] The Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome. That's not just talking about a minister, it's talking about everybody.
[00:09:30] But we must be kind to everyone. How many here say, yeah, that's what I do, Pastor, I'm kind to everybody.
[00:09:36] We must be able to teach and not resentful speaking to a minister here, you know. Then he goes on. Opponents must be gently instructed in the hope that God will grant them repentance or a change of mind, leading them to the knowledge of the truth. How many know the best way to win and influence people is through consideration, kindness and respect.
[00:09:59] It's true, you know, a lot of us, we just get frustrated and walk away. You know, I've been negotiating with on behalf of our church for some property from owners for a couple of years now. It has been a long journey. But I'll tell you one thing, you know, there has been a tremendous measure of respect. So that at the end we came to a place of agreement.
[00:10:23] And I even feel like the owners are now going to work with us to help us move forward, which I think is great. Often the best argument is demonstrated more by our way of life than even by our words. People are observing our behavior. We're living in a superficial culture. We are totally focused on externals. But what makes for a healthy long term relationship is what is happening within a person.
[00:10:50] A gentle and quiet spirit is persuasive and attractive and can only come from someone who's confident that God is ultimately in control and is entrusting themselves to God to work out what's best.
[00:11:03] Can I just say, most conflict is over control and who's going to have their way and who's in charge. That's where all the conflict's coming from. But once you say, you know, God's ultimately in control and whatever he wants is best for me and I'm totally at rest and, and at peace for what God wants to do in my life. It's amazing how my relationships with people change. I don't have to have my way and believe me, then we start learning that God's way is beautiful. God's timing is incredible, but this comes from a submitted heart to God.
[00:11:34] But what does submission really mean in the Greek lexicon? It's the Greek word hypotasso and it literally means to subordinate our rights.
[00:11:45] All conflict, as I said, is always about who's in charge.
[00:11:51] And yet the Christian message is the very opposite of people demanding their rights.
[00:11:55] It's people yielding their rights. As a matter of fact, it said let this mind be anew, which was also in Christ Jesus, who thought it not robbery to be equal with God, but made himself of no reputation. Isn't that amazing?
[00:12:07] He gave of himself to other people and, and that's why he influenced people the way he did.
[00:12:14] So Peter describes here three areas of submission that enriches a relationship, particularly in marriage. He goes, first of all, we see it in the behavior of wives. How many know it's one thing to submit to a loving, understanding spouse? That's easy, right? But Peter takes a more challenging situation. This is the ones that I get to deal with all the time. And if I tell you right now, I spend every week dealing with people in conflict. That's most of my meetings with people. They're having a difficulty in relationships where the husband now is an unbeliever, or, as I point out to an upset wife, someone who's behaving like an unbeliever.
[00:12:55] And if you think I'm misunderstanding, Thomas Schreiner writes this in his translation.
[00:13:01] He says, to be more accurate, who do not. It says, who do not believe. The word should be actually translated, do not obey. Because the verb in question, epithel, focuses on disobedience rather than unbelief.
[00:13:18] So Peter is describing those who are resistant to God's directive. So what is a wife supposed to do when their husband actually is behaving in a way that's disobedient to God's will? How do you handle that situation?
[00:13:34] I mean, that's a big challenge. You're married. You're in a covenant relationship now. What are you going to do? You feel kind of trapped in this situation.
[00:13:41] I think one of the temptation a wife wants to use is the fine art of nagging or manipulation.
[00:13:50] I'm just telling you the way it is, but I'm going to just say this. It is really an ineffective method. Okay, I'm gonna. Ladies, I have a far better. I'm gonna give you a tool. Are you ready for it?
[00:14:03] Drop the talk.
[00:14:05] Listen to what the proverbs say. You know, restrain your language and just go above him. You go. How do you go above your husband? You talk to the father.
[00:14:15] And I'm gonna tell you this, ladies. If you're doing what God wants you to do and you're talking to the father, God's gonna get ahold of that little rascal.
[00:14:23] He's going to do it. Yeah. So you're not. You're not, you know, powerless in this situation. God will deal with your husband. I'm serious about this. This is how you deal with your husband. You go, the guy's a rascal. He's not paying attention. I say something, he's not listening. He's not considerate. He's not respectful. He's carrying on. I just say, stop talking to them and start talking to him.
[00:14:47] And I'm going to tell you, God's going to start working.
[00:14:50] He's going to get through, believe me. He might even put a little pain into the situation because, you know, here's the thing. When you keep communicating to your husband that you're not happy, you don't like this about him. You're actually communicating a message of rejection and alienation, and it's very painful. And so you're undoing what you really want to do. And Proverbs says, a wise woman builds her self harvest her house up rather than tears it down.
[00:15:18] Look up Proverbs 14:1. It says that nagging, I say, is destructive means of attaining your way. You know, sometimes it's worked for you in the past, but I just say that's a form of manipulation and it creates resentment and alienation.
[00:15:32] You know, Listen to this. I love this verse. Through patience a ruler can be persuaded and a gentle tongue can break a bone.
[00:15:45] Through patience.
[00:15:48] Boy, I'll tell you, we're living in an impatient culture, are we not?
[00:15:51] Yeah.
[00:15:52] What we tend to do is just crank it up, raise our voices, we argue.
[00:16:00] Yeah. You know, recently I've had two different couples in my office. They started arguing. I just thought, I feel like I'm a referee in the middle of a boxing match, you know, they weren't even listening to each other. I could tell they can't even hear each other anymore because they're screaming at each other. How are we supposed to work at resolving those issues?
[00:16:20] What is this verse really saying?
[00:16:22] Well, I say persuasion. Not amping up the voltage on the conversation will do more good to bringing about resolution.
[00:16:32] Duane Garrett in his commentary says the bones are the most rigid part of inside part of our bodies.
[00:16:39] And fracturing the bones here refers to breaking down the deepest, most hardened resistance to an idea a person may possess.
[00:16:48] How many? Ever had somebody come to you and they're totally angry, upset?
[00:16:52] What do you do? You try to defend yourself.
[00:16:55] Wrong approach.
[00:16:57] All that does is amp people up.
[00:17:00] You listen, you try to understand where they're coming from.
[00:17:04] You know, believe me, I'm a leader. I've had people come at me and you cannot believe.
[00:17:10] Sometimes people come and they're so wired, upset that they're screaming at you. What are you going to say to them, Mark, you've had that experience in your office. I've had that. And I just listen and try to understand what's going on. And a lot of them get embarrassed after a while because you're not defending yourself or saying anything.
[00:17:28] And they realize they've really. They're out of control and they start recognizing that and they settle down a little bit.
[00:17:34] And then you can say, I really want to hear. I know you're hurting. Obviously you're hurting. I want to hear what you're saying. So I think we need to learn how to listen. The gentle approach is illustrated here by Sarah Abraham's wife. Wayne Gruden says, to be Sarah's daughter is to be a joint heir of the promises and the honor given to her and to Abraham. The condition for being Sarah's daughter is that if. If you do right and let nothing terrify you.
[00:18:02] Those are interesting words. If you do right, do the right thing and nothing terrify you. Both verbs are again in a present participle, indicating a pattern of life continued over a period of time. In other words, this isn't a state, one time action.
[00:18:20] This is how you continue to do it.
[00:18:23] How many know who St. Augustine is? Anybody know who he is? You ever heard of him? Pretty famous person. Okay, you know what's fascinating? He was married to Monica.
[00:18:34] Sorry. Monica was his mother. And her husband was a brutal man.
[00:18:40] But she knew a gentle answer turns away anger. And so she was able to, you know, this is back in the day when, you know, wife abuse was pretty rampant. We're going back in time.
[00:18:54] She never got beat up. All the other women were fighting with their husbands, you know, and they were beating them up. And they go, how come you never get beat up?
[00:19:01] It's because she understood a principle. A gentle answer turns away anger.
[00:19:07] Use wisdom.
[00:19:09] And actually, Monica was a very strong woman, by the way, if you don't know that. She continued to prevail in prayer until her son Augustine finally became a follower of Christ.
[00:19:21] It says here Peter's insistence on doing right is a reminder that no acts of disobedience in Sarah's life are to be imitated by Christian wives. How many know Sarah didn't do always the right thing? Did everybody know that? Yeah. So don't do those things. That's not what he's. It's her submission to her husband and her trust in God that Peter is now commanding.
[00:19:45] But this does not suggest that a wife is to submit to her husband even if he tells her to do the wrong thing.
[00:19:50] You know, here's what happens. God puts people in a position of authority. We don't like this. This is a word that in our culture today, we're totally in a state of rebellion. I don't know if we realize that. And anybody who's in a Position of authority we negate.
[00:20:05] We're living in this idea that everyone's the same, everybody's equal.
[00:20:09] No, God doesn't function that way.
[00:20:11] How many know that God creates order?
[00:20:13] And when we are against every sort of authority, we're going to move our society to a state of anarchy.
[00:20:20] You go, what's anarchy, Pastor? It means a is always a negation against law, against, you know, order. And when we have a state of against order, then the strong begin to prevail. The people that are the bullies take over. And that's what happens in this society. Until people, people are finally so overwhelmed by it that they'll embrace someone who will put people in their place. And then you have a dictatorship.
[00:20:45] That's what starts happening. And you can see that in human history. I study history, but you can see that in all kinds of relationships, same thing starts happening. There is an order to life. We need to understand that order. Now let me point out one thing. If a person who's in authority violates God's law, they lose their authority before God and God deals with them.
[00:21:11] Now I'm going to give you a scenario. Remember Nebuchadnezzar? He was an absolute autocrat.
[00:21:16] He was in a fit of rage.
[00:21:19] He was a person that couldn't control himself.
[00:21:23] And yet people like Daniel and the three Hebrew boys were able to handle that situation because he lost his stat state of authority and God brought him down. As a matter of fact, God warned Nebuchadnezzar he was going to level him if he didn't smarten up. And how many know, a year later he lost his mind and he started eating grass in the backyard with the animals.
[00:21:45] He fell into a state of insanity. So let me point out to us, though the nations are raging right now, God is still in control of our world. We got to get a hold of that. See, when we lose a sense that God is in control, then we live in fear. And that's what Peter's warning against. You don't need to live in. God is still in control.
[00:22:08] Now, some people have taught, others have been, and others have embraced this idea. But it's a misguided desire to please God. So they submit to what their husbands are saying, even if it's wrong. I say, no, you don't do that.
[00:22:22] It's called civil disobedience. It's called I don't do the wrong thing. Sorry, I got a higher authority, and that's God himself. And that's one pitfall. The other is simply to ignore their Husbands, people do that all the time. They get involved in other things and they just ignore them. That's not a good idea. That doesn't help in marriage. But husbands can do the same thing. They can neglect their wives by putting hobbies or work ahead of their spouse. We realize that communication is the key to healthy relationships. But how do we handle it when the spouse is no longer listening?
[00:22:54] Well, I've already said it. We take it to a higher court of appeal. We need to intercede before God and patiently wait for God to work on that person. And how many know that requires faith and patience?
[00:23:05] And I would encourage. When you're praying, this is, I'm going to teach you how to pray here. You know, it says, do not be anxious for anything, but in everything with prayer and petition and supplication, with thanksgiving, with thanksgiving, you know, it's not I'm praying, but it's really whining, you know. No, I think we need to pray with faith. Praying with faith says God, I'm praying for this person and I'm thanking you that you're hearing my prayer and that you're already working in their hearts. I believe that you're going to answer this prayer. I believe that you're going to do it, and I thank you for the answer before it's even coming.
[00:23:44] That's an element of faith, to be able to pray that way. I want to encourage you to start to do it that way. Okay, then there's the priority here of the inner life.
[00:23:55] He says, you, beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as the elaborate hairstyles and the weaving of gold jewelry or fine clothes.
[00:24:04] Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sin.
[00:24:15] Okay, yeah, here we go.
[00:24:18] For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted to their own husbands. Now, verse three has been incorrectly interpreted by some to say they're forbidding women to wear these items of clothing. How many? Back in the day, they'd get very rigid and legalistic. Preachers were bad.
[00:24:35] Way back when they'd say, you can't do this. That's not what he's talking about here.
[00:24:40] Rather what he's saying, the point he's making is not that these things are forbidden, but that they should not be the woman's adorning the source of her beauty.
[00:24:50] Now, I don't think it's wrong to dress up and look nice. You know, I don't think any of those things are wrong. What he's saying is the priority should be develop your inner life.
[00:25:01] And by guys, that's the same thing. We should be developing our inner life. You know, people that go to the gym all times and work up, you know, they're walking around bulging muscles, they think they're really great.
[00:25:11] You know, that's not what it's about.
[00:25:14] You know, I don't think it's wrong to exercise. I exercise. I believe in it. But I think it's, you know, when we make the outer life, the everything life, you're totally missing the point.
[00:25:24] You're going to have to live with yourself for all of eternity. So you better work on the inside. You better work on your inner life.
[00:25:30] The centrality of attitude is to enrich relationships. And submission has the heart of that attitude. Generally, when we treat other people with respect, how many know they tend to live up to it? People are so beaten down today that when someone believes in them, they begin to respond.
[00:25:49] Do you know that's true?
[00:25:51] Do you know when you begin to affirm and encourage people and believe in them, they actually step up to the plate.
[00:25:57] You know, people need a lot of encouragement.
[00:26:00] They really do. And people need to be lifted up instead of put down. You know, how many here? How many here? You know, if you're being affirmed and encouraged, you're probably going to be far more motivated than if you're criticized and depreciated. How many go, which. Which would you rather have happening in your life? The first. How many would rather be affirmed and encouraged rather than depreciated and criticized?
[00:26:23] Well, come on, it's obvious, right?
[00:26:25] So why aren't we doing it? Why aren't we doing that for people? Why aren't we speaking words of life and encouragement and strength into their lives and begin to believe, you know, what God wants for their lives?
[00:26:36] And it starts with our spouses.
[00:26:40] You know.
[00:26:42] You know, a lot of, you know, one of the reasons why wives struggle in this area is because of their fear of being taken advantage of. And, you know, I can appreciate that.
[00:26:51] But I want to just say this.
[00:26:54] Put your hope in God.
[00:26:56] Put your faith in God.
[00:26:58] Can God do something in a husband's life? Of course he can. God can get through to the person. I believe that it says here they submitted themselves to their own husbands. It doesn't mean that your husband, if he, you know, I'm going to quote David Helm, he says it doesn't mean that if your husband asks you to abandon your faith in Christ, you should do so. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't listen to that advice. That's terrible. It does not mean that if your husband asks you to sin, you should do so. I don't think you should do that. It does not mean that you must always agree with him and never present a differing viewpoint. I disagree with that. I agree with David Helm. I think you should disagree with him. You know, my wife disagrees with me at times, and, you know, I'm a wise husband if I'm listening to what her point of view is.
[00:27:42] Because you know, what I've discovered over the years? I'm a little bit older now.
[00:27:47] There's a reason why God puts people in our life that are different than us. I'm gonna argue today that you need people in your life who don't always agree with you. You need people in your life who see things differently than you do. You need to have people in your life who have a different point of view than you have.
[00:28:03] Well, I'm insecure, Pastor. I can't handle that. No, you need it because you need to rethink some things in your life. And I'll tell you something.
[00:28:11] When you work with other people and you hear different viewpoints, when you finally come to a place of agreement, these people have helped you immensely. And you don't even know that.
[00:28:24] You know, sometimes you think you're right. Well, you may be partially right, but you're not totally right. Only God is totally right.
[00:28:31] It's really good to listen to other points of view. Actually, when we're negotiating for this property, I'm going to say some things.
[00:28:38] The owners actually helped us do a lot of good things that at the time, I just felt like it was taking longer, but they were actually assisting us by making us reconsider things. And I think that was a good thing. How is that?
[00:28:54] You see, I think we got to change the way we see differences.
[00:28:59] This is a good thing in our lives.
[00:29:02] Now, let me say this. It does not mean that if he's unfaithful to you that you're left without biblical recourse. I think the scriptures teach something about that.
[00:29:11] You know, if we break our marriage covenant, you know, you're opening the grounds for the relationship to come to an end. I think we need to understand that it doesn't mean that if you're abused or physically or you're abandoned or you have incessant verbal humiliation, you must remain quietly in that home and accept the daily cruelty of that Relationship at all costs? I don't think so.
[00:29:34] That is unhealthy. And there are always steps to address these issues.
[00:29:38] And I would say something. If a husband is being verbally abusive, you need to say to them, listen, the scriptures give us permission to actually move out. I don't know if you guys know this. And separate. Sometimes people don't even realize how abusive they are.
[00:29:51] And sometimes it's a wake up call.
[00:29:54] And I had so many guys run into my office just crying and saying, my wife left me. And I'm going, what's going on? And then I find out, well, if you've been abusing your spouse all these years verbally and diminishing and depreciating them, you know, finally she just had enough, she just moved out.
[00:30:10] And then they go, I don't get why she moved out.
[00:30:14] I'm serious. You guys may not understand that, but I've heard so much of this.
[00:30:19] It is a little overwhelming. So. Well, you're on the girl's side. No, I'm not on the girl's side.
[00:30:24] I'm on the Bible side.
[00:30:27] Here's the second key in the healthy relationship. A considerate attitude. When a husband is concerned and understanding towards his wife, a lot of difficulties never occur.
[00:30:37] That's nice. How many would like to have peace in your home?
[00:30:40] Yeah, I've got peace in my home. I'm not fighting with Patty. I've been married almost 48 years. You know, I'll say this. It also eliminates many misunderstandings. Women need to know that their husbands love them. That's the number one thing a woman needs to know. Did you know that?
[00:30:56] Wives need to know they're loved. Okay. And one of the ways, guys, is that you're considerate of her needs and her feelings.
[00:31:06] How do you do that? Husbands, in the same way, it says, be considered as you live with your wives and treat them with respect, as with the weaker partner and as heirs of you with the gracious gift of life so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
[00:31:20] So I put down the need for consideration.
[00:31:23] This is more than just physically providing for your family. I've had guys say, listen, I work hard all week long. I provide for my family. I'm going, that's great.
[00:31:32] But physical provision is not emotional provision. There's a big difference.
[00:31:36] Marriage is a partnership, a sharing of life together. It's described as living with your spouse according to knowledge. Here's a very important point. I love this.
[00:31:47] Wayne Gruben says this. The knowledge Peter intends here may include any knowledge that would benefit be beneficial to the husband, wife, relationship.
[00:31:56] Knowledge of God's purposes and principles for marriage.
[00:32:00] Do you know what's really amazing? We get people having degrees in all kinds of things, except for we hardly work on our marriages.
[00:32:07] You ever thought about that? We don't have any courses. I mean, very few. Maybe there's a few psychology courses, Very few courses on marriage.
[00:32:14] You know, knowledge of a wife's desires, her goals, frustrations, knowledge of her strengths, knowledge of her weaknesses, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually.
[00:32:24] You know, I'm a husband. You know, do I really know my spouse? Do I know what her strengths are and do I know what her weaknesses are?
[00:32:32] You have to learn that.
[00:32:34] And I would say good people that have healthy relationships with people, they're studying people all the time.
[00:32:43] They understand these things, they're learning these things. They're trying to have a grasp of how to relate to people in these areas.
[00:32:50] Everybody in this room, everybody in this room, you have strengths, you have weaknesses.
[00:32:55] Not one of you can say to me, oh, Pastor, I only got strengths.
[00:32:59] That's your weakness.
[00:33:03] You say what?
[00:33:04] I say, here's the deal.
[00:33:07] A lot of times we're strong in an area and we overuse our strengths, and it becomes a weakness because we start depending on ourselves rather than on God.
[00:33:15] Everyone in this room is weak. I'm going to show it to you in a moment.
[00:33:20] Goes on here to say, a husband who lives according to such knowledge will greatly enrich his marriage relationship. Yet such knowledge could only be gained through regular study of God's word and regular, unhurried times of private fellowship together as husband and wife. I'm going to pause here and ask, you know, people say, well, we have a Christian marriage because we're Christians. I go, not necessarily. You may be Christians, but you may not have a Christian marriage. What?
[00:33:46] Can I tell you what a Christian marriage is? It's when two people have Christ at the center of both of their lives, and they spend time together, communicating with God together.
[00:33:57] And if that's not happening, you don't really have a Christian marriage. You have a marriage, but it's not Christian.
[00:34:03] And you know, that's one of the great areas of battle.
[00:34:06] The enemy of our souls is going to keep us from praying together. You say, why?
[00:34:12] Because he knows that if one can chase a thousand, two chases, how many?
[00:34:17] 10,000?
[00:34:18] The moment I'm in agreement, listen to this. Jesus says, if two would agree as touching anything on earth I wrote in my Bible or in my notes, my journal.
[00:34:28] It must be hard to get two people to get into an agreement. Because listen to what he says. If two would agree as touching anything on earth, it shall be done for them in heaven.
[00:34:37] Do you see the power of agreement, the power of unity? The power of a couple who are in agreement, in prayer and are praying for their children and if you're older, your grandchildren, and you're praying together for this nation that's falling apart, or you're praying for people that are serving in leadership and maybe struggling. We need to be praying, but what are we doing? We're just criticizing.
[00:35:04] That's what we tend to do.
[00:35:05] We can't understand why things aren't getting better.
[00:35:11] There will either be a growing hostility or a sense of self depreciation and diminishment of themselves.
[00:35:20] Love grows out of an attitude of honoring someone. When we decide someone is valuable, that decision alone is a major first step in acting out our love for that person.
[00:35:30] We need to say, you are valuable to me as a pastor. You are valuable. Every person in our congregation is valuable.
[00:35:42] Every person in this room is gifted.
[00:35:45] Every person in this room that, you know, responds to God, God's going to use in an amazing way. And my job is to help you become the person God's designed you to be. That's the job of a pastor. Equal. Equip the saints so that the saints do the ministry.
[00:35:59] See, we have it backwards. We think the minister does the ministry. I'm going, no, no. The minister trains the people, so the people do the ministry.
[00:36:06] That's the proper biblical order.
[00:36:10] Do you know the responsibility of the home is primarily the husbands?
[00:36:14] And so when I look at a family falling apart, I go, is the husband doing his job? He's the leader. He's setting the tone. He's the pacemaker, pacesetter. Sorry, he's the pacesetter. You know, do your kids see you loving your wife? Do your kids see you praying with your wife? Does your kids see you asking for forgiveness? Do your kids see you sitting down and explaining to them, you know, how to respect and show consideration towards other people?
[00:36:43] You're the primary person. Are you doing that?
[00:36:46] You know what?
[00:36:47] That's pretty powerful stuff, isn't it?
[00:36:50] You know, I'm not saying we all do this perfectly. I don't always do it perfectly. But I'm telling you I know what I should be doing, and I'm striving to do those things because I know how critical they are. I'm going to close with this. The need for respect.
[00:37:03] Do you know Francine Klingsbrun in her book Married People Staying Together in the Age of divorce, interviewed 87 couples who had been married 15 years or more. She hoped to identify factors that would enable these marriages to survive and thrive at a time when some 40% end in divorce.
[00:37:20] She said respect, it turned out, was the key ingredient. It's not the same as admiration.
[00:37:26] As a matter of fact, Dr. Alexandra Simmons, the associate clinical professor at psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine, says when you fall in love, you admire the other. You look up to someone much the way a child idolizes a parent.
[00:37:42] Such romantic admiration thrives and even depends on the illusion that he or she is perfect for you. And that's why it doesn't last.
[00:37:49] You need to come to see that the person you married isn't exactly what you expected.
[00:37:54] There are differences of personalities, approaches to life, different ways of doing things. It's now that real respect has a chance to develop. But for the marriage to last, you must agree to disagree. Learning to let the other be, be who they really are.
[00:38:09] For respect is between peers. Whenever we put someone else down, it sends the message that the other person has no worth.
[00:38:17] Good marriages nurture each other's self esteem. Respect then is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique. These things take time to discover, accept and finally appreciate. That's why respect is a quality of maturity in a marriage, not of the first heat of romance. For the root meaning of the word respect is to look at. And respect is a clear yet loving eye. It sees what's really there, but also what is potentially there and helps to bring it to fruition.
[00:38:49] Respect is the art of love by which married couples honor what is unique and best in each other's lives.
[00:38:58] Now let me close there and let's stand.
[00:39:01] Let me pray. You know, I know I spoke to marriages today, but this is true of any healthy marriage. You know, I have a lot more. I'm going to post this on a blog. There's a lot more information here. I'm going to come down to the end here.
[00:39:16] In our rights oriented world, often driven by the oppression produced by the sinful nature, we quickly make life all about our needs. When the reality is that the Christian life is all about laying down our rights to best serve others.
[00:39:32] You know, Jesus didn't come in the world to be served.
[00:39:36] He came into the world to serve.
[00:39:39] The most happy people are those who finally figure this out. It's not about me, it's about God and others. And I just Start giving my life away.
[00:39:49] And that's when we start finding true joy and happiness.
[00:39:52] And the people who. It's always. It's about me. I'm always, you know, trying to take it in. I'm a needy person. I'm always looking for people to meet my needs. Can I tell you, you and I are so needy. There's only one person that can meet your needs, and that's God himself.
[00:40:08] So that's where I go to. To meet my needs. You say, where do you go, Pastor? To God.
[00:40:13] I just tell them, this is how I feel. This is where I'm at today. I need your help. I need you to meet this need in my life, whatever that need is.
[00:40:22] And so you're here today, and you know, God's been speaking. I believe that. And you can sit down and say to yourself, okay, what do I need to do to help? Have a healthy relationship with other people.
[00:40:37] Be gentle, be respectful, be kind, be understanding, be supportive. Be encouraging.
[00:40:46] Think of the other person's point of view. Listen to what they have to say.
[00:40:50] If I'm married, I need to know where my wife is at. You know, she should be able to tell me exactly where she's at. And even if I don't have an answer, let me tell you guys, sometimes I'm just listening. I don't have an answer.
[00:41:04] I learned a long time ago your wife doesn't always want you to solve the problem.
[00:41:09] They just want you to be there to understand and listen and care.
[00:41:15] Is that right, ladies?
[00:41:17] Yeah.
[00:41:18] Took a while for me to get it. 48 years almost. But I'm learning.
[00:41:23] So let's pray today that we would be those kinds of people, that we would exemplify the life of Christ to our world in our marriage and with other people we come in contact with. So, Father, we come before you today.
[00:41:36] We recognize our need in our lives to be a lot more like you, to lay down our rights, to be far more considerate, far more respectful, far more understanding, far more gentle, far more kind, more affirming, more encouraging, more comforting.
[00:41:55] Help us to build meaningful relationships. But may it begin with our family.
[00:42:00] May it begin with our spouse. Because when we love our wife, we love our husband. We're actually really loving our children. But when we put even our children ahead of our spouse, we're actually undermining our marriage, which in the end will undermine what's going to happen to our children. So, Lord, I pray today you allow us the opportunity to have a very special person in their life called our spouse.
[00:42:26] I pray that we will cherish them and honor them even as we witness today 50 years of marriage. That we will honor these individuals, Lord, and be grateful for them. And even when they don't agree with us, to be grateful for that. Because, Lord, they're giving us a different point of view.
[00:42:42] And help us not to be so bullheaded and stubborn that we're not listening and not learning.
[00:42:50] And we thank you for that, Father, in Jesus name, amen. God bless you as you leave.
